Suspending Judgment: Respecting Client Autonomy

I recently met with a couple. They came to see me at one partner's request - Partner A desperately wanted to get out of their marriage, while Partner B was in total denial that A really wanted to leave them. Over the course of our meeting, I witnessed A's extreme distress, and B's repeated attempts to emotionally manipulate A into staying with B, despite A's stated misery.

We met for two hours, at the end of which I thought B was starting to understand A's perspective. We set a meeting time for two weeks later. The next week, I received a short email from A telling me that they were getting back together. My initial reaction was shock. It was all I could do to keep myself from calling A to ask what had changed their mind so completely, but I forced myself to sit still and respect A's stated wishes. I wrote back, wishing A the best of luck.

As a mediator, this was an extremely difficult action of restraint, and another excellent reminder that I must table my own judgments in order to better serve my clients. I met with this couple for several hours. They had a much deeper insight into their internal dynamic than I could ever have. What looked like emotional abuse to me may not have been that at all. On the other hand, it may have been exactly that.

However, I need to afford A the respect they deserve as a competent adult to make their own decisions, without my own assessment of the situation clouding any outcome. As a mediator, I'm not pushing any agenda (certainly not my own), and I can't facilitate a conversation that the parties do not want to have. I sincerely wished them the best of luck with their marriage, and I did so with a clear conscience, knowing that I did not allow my judgments to stand in their way.

Once Burned: Restoring Clients' Faith In Mediation

As a mediator, it's extremely important to me to build a trusting relationship with my clients. It's imperative that my clients know they can rely on me to honor all of my professional commitments to them. I take this responsibility very seriously. From time to time, I will hear of a mediator who does not take this tenet of the profession quite so much to heart.

Recently, I received an interesting email from a prospective client. They were angry, and had just had an extremely negative experience with another mediator who had missed appointments, deadlines, and otherwise behaved unprofessionally in countless other ways.

While these prospective clients were skeptical that mediation could ultimately serve their needs, they decided to give the process one more chance. I had the mess this other mediator created dumped in my lap, and I decided to accept the challenge. I felt strongly that it was up to me to restore my new clients' faith in mediation and mediators. I resolved to give them the best possible service, and agreed to take their case.

Slowly, after steadily proving to them that they could trust me to honor my promises and commitments to them, we built a professional relationship with a strong foundation of trust. We carefully constructed an agreement that met their needs, and discussed issues of contention until both we satisfied. When their case was successfully resolved a few weeks ago, they both let me know that the experience, while trying, had been productive and as positive as possible.

I felt so honored to be able to shift their perception of mediation from a negative to a positive experience. Earning and retaining a client's trust throughout a mediation is always my goal.