Sometimes, we attribute motivations and intentions to those around us when they are simply not there. This may be our own projection of insecurity, or simply the accumulation of baggage we all lug around with us in our daily lives. Whatever the case, don't be too sure that you know where someone else is coming from. Until you actually talk about it, you really can't be sure.
However, sometimes, we do know how other people are feeling, or can predict that our actions will trigger a patterned reaction in them. And when we find ourselves in this situation, say, in a mediation, it would behoove us to avoid the hot button issue that you know will trigger an emotional reaction, right? The answer is not as predictable as common sense might dictate. Sometimes, we sacrifice progress and consensus building for the thrill of a cheap dig, and snatch at the self-destructive option. We make the comment, starting a cycle we know all too well. Why do we do this? That's probably a question that is more appropriate for a psychologist to address.
But in mediation, how do we recover from such a moment? How do we take a step back, and salvage the hard-won progress we've collaborated to build thus far? In my experience, it's important to call a cheap shot a cheap shot, but at the same time not to belittle the person who succumbed to the moment. After all, we're all human. We've all stumbled in this way before, and we will again. But it's important to recognize the mediation room as a sacred space that does not abide such behavior. We have to bring our best selves into the mediation room, and be prepared to compromise and work together.
So, OK. The person who has initiated this behavior has been called out. Now what? Both people are feeling exposed, maybe embarrassed. The mediator then has to bring everyone back to the task at hand, to continue the conversation. Maybe we acknowledge that there are many emotions in the room. An apology might be in order. But we return to the basic tenets of respect and civility that must guide the process. No one said mediation was going to be easy. But if you trust in the process, acknowledge each other's humanity, and learn to move on, you've got a fighting chance of crafting an agreement.
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1. You bring great thought to this task. 2. In the middle of reading this I was struck by something and went back and did it again. I found that in this posting one could substitute "marriage" for "mediation" and it would pretty much work. 3. I was taken aback by your use of "sacred". I understand that humans treating each other with kindness, respect, and in a reasonably harmonious manner is very important to you. But using "sacred space" in this context makes it harder to use "sacred" in the many other contexts that various people use it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Leo! I used sacred in a non-religious sense. It was meant to communicate that the mediation room should be a space where a higher standard of behavior is expected and enforced, above and beyond what we expect in day-to-day life. A former client of mine actually suggested the phrase to me when describing her experience in mediation, and it stuck with me.
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