Sometimes, parties will seek mediation in search of internal clarity.
The stated reason for scheduling a session may be very different from the desired
result. In these cases, the mediator’s role should be one of gentle probing and
guidance to help the parties reach a transformational moment of aligned
purpose.
I recently met with a couple ostensibly seeking a divorce.
They were ready to proceed, very organized, and, it seemed, motivated to move
through the process as quickly as possible. However, when we met, it became
clear quite quickly that neither of them wanted to end their marriage. One
party simply wanted the other to commit to marriage counseling so that they
could resolve some longstanding issues in their relationship.
The climate in our session had taken an interesting turn. As
a mediator, my role had shifted. Rather then helping this couple move their
divorce forward, my responsibility lay with ascertaining whether both parties
wanted to stay in the relationship, and if they did, would they both agree to
attend counseling? As we proceeded, both parties expressed a desire to stay in
the relationship and a willingness to attend counseling.
When working with
widely different personalities and perspectives, in an environment where the emotional climate can change as quickly as the natural one, a mediator has to
be nimble. We have to sense emotional
storm clouds gathering in the distance, keep the conversation moving forward,
and dispel unproductive conflict with a carefully (and quickly) chosen word or
joke.
With these
clients, it became clear that their stated intention for mediation (divorce)
was not their actual goal. My clear path forward was to support them in their
chosen path. They needed me to facilitate an honest conversation that made it
clear they still loved each other and wanted to try again to make their
relationship work. In this instance,
mediation served as a mirror for the parties to better understand their own
goals.
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