1. Does everyone want to mediate? This is essential. Make sure that all parties want to use mediation, and are committed to working through the process together with the mediator. Mediation is a very efficient, cost-effective method of dispute resolution, but it won’t work if the parties can’t have a conversation or be in the same room.
2. Be prepared to compromise. Everything will not come out 100% the way you want in your mediation. But you will walk away with an agreement that works for your family, your former business partner/landlord/client, and allows you to move on with your life while honoring your obligations. Take advantage of the tailored approach mediation offers – ask for things you really want and/or need, and be creative. Each item doesn’t have to split 50/50, but the overall picture should be equitable.
3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Time and again, I’ve seen clients work toward resolution by employing this one approach. I insist upon it in my mediations, and I find that if a party shows respect, more often than not they will receive it in return. When the person across the table feels that you are treating them fairly, they will be much more amenable to the construction of an agreement that includes things you want, too.
4. Speak your mind (but don’t interrupt)! Mediation, when done well, is a beautiful thing – but if things are headed in a direction with which you don’t agree, you have an obligation to speak. The agreement won’t last if it’s impossible for you to truly subscribe to it. However, when speaking your mind, remember tip #3, and don’t interrupt.
5. Be honest. The Court requires disclosure forms for a reason (in divorce cases). If you fudge your assets, the whole agreement could be invalidated. But this tip holds true for all types of mediations. You’re collaborating. Don’t let your actions hinder collaboration.
6. Try to be empathetic. Divorce is hard. Really hard. You thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with this person, and it turns out that’s not the case. It’s horrible. But the thing to remember here – and this is important – you’re both in a lot of pain. The more kindness you can show to the other person, the more likely they are not to hate you when this is all over. And if you have children, that’s vital. If you don’t, it’s still pretty great. In non-divorce mediations, the stakes are perhaps less emotionally high. But perhaps not. You entered into an agreement to work with this person because you believed it would be a profitable enterprise. Things didn’t work out – you’re disappointed? So are they. Strive to let everyone walk away with their dignity and you may be surprised with what they will offer.
7. Choose the right mediator. You’re going to be spending a chunk of time in the same room, and this person is responsible for crafting an agreement that reflects your decisions. Choose a person whom you trust, who takes the time to get to know you. Often, the best way to get a sense of a mediator’s style is to look to their former clients. Look for client testimonials, or yelp.com reviews. Are they on court panels? Where did they train? Do you have a good rapport with them? Can you afford their services? Many organizations offer low-cost mediation – the Bar Association of San Francisco is one of them.
Follow these tips, and your mediation is sure to be much smoother - but remember the most important thing: keep an open mind!
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