Today I faced a novel situation in a divorce mediation. After getting to know my clients fairly well over the last few months, we are now beginning to enter the last phase of the process, and their divorce will soon be final.
While I felt a sense of accomplishment that we were drawing their case to a close, and that the marital settlement agreement was equitable, and well-written, it dawned on me that today might not feel quite the same for the other people in the room. While one party was visibly smiling, and quite calm, the other had started to cry quietly. In all my efforts to be fair, listen to my clients, and honor their wishes, I had forgotten that this conclusion marks the end of their marriage in a concrete way, and was likely to cause pain. Disappointed in my own lack of empathy, I offered what comfort I could, but it was a sobering moment, all the same.
I learned a valuable lesson today, and I will try to remember it for the future: it's really not about the mediator - it's about the clients. I did my job, but that was no more than was expected. I also needed to be looking out for the emotional needs of my clients. As the mediator, I really shouldn't dwell on my own work, or seek approval; rather, my objective should be to offer comfort where I can, while providing highly competent services, and giving my clients the respect and attention they deserve.
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Perhaps where you can provide value is by establishing some referral relationships with competent counselors or therapists who are specifically trained in helping folks deal with the emotional issues attendant upon ending a marriage. As a mediator, your job is to evaluate dispassionately what the needs of your clients are vis-a-vis the dissolution of the marriage from a legal and practical standpoint. To be sure, the level of emotional empathy you can display will have an impact on the success of the mediation, but note that where you support one spouse emotionally in the presence of the other, that can be seen as favoritism or lack of objectivity by the observing spouse.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is right to have the insight that you're not just solving a legal problem. You are correct in observing that you are also ushering in a new era in the divorcing parties' lives - and helping them pen the obituary on the life they formerly shared. But don't take on too much, here, lest you find your own effectiveness undercut.
Thanks for the comment, and for the ideas. I appreciate your insight, and I think having a professional on hand to deal with some of the emotional repercussions of divorce is an excellent tip. Sometimes, it's a fine balance between being an empathetic mediator and a therapist, at least for me. And, as you note, being too attentive to one party can make the other party feel slighted. Thank you for your thoughtfulness on this topic!
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